Kicking an unconscious Manu again,Sanjay started looking for the money,It had to there.where could a bundle disappear?
He looked everywhere he could think, No use...
Deep under the carpet, below the floor board, a few scurrying mice see something green and edible,slowly they reach it and a tiny noice - chomp chomp!
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'Should I?'- She asks herself again. 'Oh, this torture, cannot take it anymore ' a tiny voice says.She puts her head down, as though she cannot bear to hear it any longer.
Moments later, happily eating a double mocha chocolate icecream, the red highlighted words of warning from the dietitian s letter seems to mock her.
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P.S: did I sound very criminal? hehe, I am experimenting on every possible thing to write :)By the time, the month's gone.. I would have licked clean many a sane brains - so my inner voice s shouting.Also I am desperatly trying to make a fifty five words note of this.Yipppeee, I made it!!
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4 comments:
If you are writing this for fun then please ignore, but if not I would like to throw in some unsolicited suggestions. ;-)
On the first one, I would have liked the characters interchanged. Sanjay kicking Manu sounds a little odd. Manu kicking Sanjay sounds great! You said "Sanjay kicking an unconscious Manu again". When was the first time he kicked? What is a tiny noise? Did you mean faint or muffled?
On the second one, at first she asks herself. Then a tiny voice says? Whose voice is this? (I know it was "her"). You have suddenly distanced this person from the reader. She could not bear to hear it any longer. What was she listening to? Is it true in real life that a dietician or any doctor highlights something in red on the prescription? (I don't know, really. Correct me if I am wrong.) A dietician's "letter" or "prescription"?
The stories are good. There is suspense and twist, but it somehow did not come through very nice.
Hmmm, I am not sure how to answer this, But I shall try. Word 55 is a game where a tiny story is written and being so tiny it is not an elaborate story but is to follow "less is more".
I am not a story writer or in fact a writer of any means, So may be I havent got a writer s style.
But then there is no strict written rule about that , isisnt it?
Like the names, how should it matter?
someone else may hate someone called both manu and sanjay , so may want both to be kicked.
Basically what I want to say is these stories are supposed to leave a lot to the reader s imagination.
So what happened between sanjay & manu, did they fight? over money?
how did the money fall through the gloor board..
may be they stole the money together..
see u can add anything to this story..
regarding second one,
sure. why not?
a doctor can write something in blod/email you a letter saying you are obese/ in real dangerous situation..no rule again..
hey, what happened to writer s freedom??
not applicable to blog s anymore?? ;)
Agreed. :-) I really know what flash 55 is. But these were just my thoughts. No offence meant and no offence taken. :-) Cheers. The writer's freedom truly prevails. By the way, I am expecting you at my blog.
@ Vittal :
of course, no offence. You are supposed to criticise, isint it?
otherwise , how will I know?
:)
Ya, need to read yours and a few other s blog dost's posts.. have been quite sometime. Thanks for reminding!
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